A Message from Cap'n Mangemizzen, the scourge of whatever that thar' lake is, or the kitchen sink, if it be closer:

It's pla'n to see that yeh've offend'd me.
In all my long yeers I've descend'd, see,
To levels of treach'ry
That spark such tale-strech'ry
No man alive would b'lieve 'em.

And I have been chall'ng'd by many
But there isn't one, isn't any
Who've so far descend'd
My dignity spend'd
As much as yeh have just t'day.

Yer a bilge-spittin' monkey
A gibbon so funky
He can't even tie his own shoe.
Yeh eat naught but coal
Yer skull's got a hole
That's big 'nuff fer two ships to sail thru.
Yer uglier n'ugly
Muglier n'mugly
Even the barnacles hate yeh.
There's no man alive
Who seems to so strive
To be worse n'a bucket of whale spit.

So afore the day's been fully spent
A new kind'a fate I'll invent
Somethin' so deadly
That you will read'ly
Accept any tor'chr but it.

Yeh'd gladly walk the plank
Yeh'd happily watch yerself sank
Yeh'd let 'cherself get shot
Yeh'd be quick to grab any Black Spot.
Yeh'd let them all scuttle ye
The holes in yer nut'll be
Mor n'th' ones in me socks!

But do yeh think that I'd allow that?
I'd be a great horrible sea rat.
Yeh'll just have to wait
'Till my plan's a first rate
Way to make you go "Ouch" and then "Splat!"

(Avast! Have a good Talk Like a Pirate Day... Or else! Yaaahhrr!)